chopped is the best fucking show on tv

hey, do you like cooking shows? you do? whats your favorite? rachael ray? get poisoned, you're useless to society. paula deen? enjoy your dia-bet-us and buttah, you awful, awful person. Alton brown? now you're speaking my language. without a doubt, the best cooking show of my lifetime is probably good eats. it was bill nye meets julia child, if you like cooking, you can hardly do worse than good eats. however, right now, the best cooking show on tv is undoubtedly chopped. whats chopped?

chopped is like someone took iron chef, stuffed it full of horse steroids and then went APESHIT with it. basically, you have 4 chefs from restaurants around the country, fly them to a location i am not sure of, and then pit them against each other in MORTAL KOMBAAAAT. ok, not really, but theres 3 section, appetizer, entree and dessert. you have 20 minutes for your apptetizer, 30 for entree and dessert. HOWEVER. what makes chopped badass as hell is the mystery basket.

the mystery basket is shown at the beginning of each of the 3 rounds. inside the basket is 4 ingredients, your dish has to include all of them, no matter how little these ingredients go together. heres an example of a dessert basket: Duck Eggs, Russet potatoes, Farmers Cheese and Honey Herb Cough drops


Duck Eggs: ok, a little odd, but eggs in dessert is a necessity, the duck part is the loop thrower.


Russet potatos: silly rabbit! potatos are for dinner! but still, you can probably work something out that won't be complete shit.


Farmers Cheese: from what I understand, farmers cheese is the midwestern equivalent of tofu, its unflavored uncurdled cheese. you can almost certainly dessertify that shits bonds and make it tasty.


Honey Herb Cough Drops: THATS NOT A FOOD! nothing makes sense anymore! why would you ever cook with that? goddammit chopped!


you have to make DESSERT out of that. and it came out looking ballar as shit. Chopped takes your basic cooking show and shoots it up with enough coke to wipe out all of wall street faster than the angriest protest mob ever. its awesome, but its best to watch with friends.


why with friends? because then you can make it like sports. arguing which judges are the best (the latino fellow, the younger white dude, and the ho white lady are my 3 favorites, personally), who deserves to be eliminated, which guy you hate the most. for me, my all time douchiest chopped contestant is a guy who wore a lobster claw on a chain  necklace, and styled himself a man named dr claw. I wanted him kicked down a well and the well filled with concrete and when the well flooded with with acid and lava and then nuclear waste.  that guy was more doctor douchebag than dr claw. Here are a few other of my chopped highlights


someone freaking out over rattlesnake


a large black man not understand chicken in a can


a woman slipping and landing flat on her ass, burning herself


an asian man cooking to honor his father, in a shocking lack of stereotypes.


a woman who insists on deep frying everything, then drinking whiskey after she wins.


Dr Claw getting axed after the appetizer round, with a seafood basket. I was so happy I farted.


In conclusion, chopped rules and you're stupid for not liking it if you like competition on tv or cooking shows.

the networks are dying and why thats the best thing ever.

does anyone else realize we're in the golden age of television besides Me? I'd say it probably started towards the end of the 90's with the sopranos, though its origins are back with the 80's and its novel idea of serialized tv and almost certainly, seinfeld. The peak probably I'd say in the 2009-10 season, with the most stupifyingly incredible lineup of new shows in a while, here is just the new shows on tv from that season, all of these shows are either critically, commercially or in both ways successful.

Community, Modern Family, Archer, Justified, Glee, the league,the good wife, NCIS:LA, the vampire diaries, Cougartown.

thats 10 successful shows, including two network staples in glee and modern family, the best actress emmy from this year (the good wife), a top 5 drama ratings wise (NCIS LA), the best animated show since the simpsons in its prime (Archer), a  critical darling (Community) the best cop show on tv (Justified) and a show that consistently gets quality laughs (the league). thats not even including elite seasons of returning shows, such as dexters trinity killer storyline (the best Dexter has ever done), Parks and recreations breakout season going from "the offices weird brother" to "a top flight comedy on tv and a worthy successor to the office" the big bang theory going from "pretty funny show that is enjoyable and sweet" to "2nd most watched comedy on tv after two and a half men". this is the season that show sons of anarchy break out and help make FX probably the 2nd best network on tv after only AMC, which had a game changing season of mad men and allowed breaking bad to prosper into one of the most tense, nerve wracking hours on television. 

On top of all that, the final season of lost gave the whole year a sort of end of an era feel to the season, but all of this quality and new shows made clear of two things.

1. the water cooler, you can't miss it that night era of television is nearing its end

2. a new, better era is coming.

if tv had historians the way movies did, in 5-10 years, they'll look at a show like lost as the last of it kind, to a degree. Lost very much is the last show you HAD to watch that night to be sure that, the next day at work or school or the super market or whatever, you weren't in the dark. it was the closest thing to appointment tv as there was, and it can be partially placed on Losts shoulders, but the times are just different.

ask any fan of lost and they'll tell you that Lost was, if their a glass half full type, a very good show that couldn't decide on itself, or if their a glass half empty type, a waste of 6 years with a giant kick in the nuts of a last season. as someone who watched lost, I can tell you I went into the last season fully knowing, not expecting, knowing, I was going to be at least disappointed in the fact that none of my mysteries would be solved and that I'd probabl be angry, so just go with the ride and enjoy it. but this is not an entry about lost, that will come in time. today, 7 years later, a show like lost simply wouldn't work. theres no way to keep so much of it secret, on top of that, it wouldn't be nearly as "appointment viewing" because, in todays tv landscape, you don't HAVE to watch shows right when they show. oh sure, theres an occasional episode or something that you NEED to watch that night, but thats more because of the cultural implications and the pop cultural need (Michael Scotts last episode of the office is a prime example of something you'd consider still "appointment viewing"). but today? you don't need tv to enjoy good televison. 

with perfectly legal and free options for getting television on the internet, such as Hulu or most networks websites, or even with a modern cable box, you will have the option of ondemand to watch something whenever and, with most things like Hulu,netflix,HBOgo,most networks even have streaming now, wherever, you want. this means networks need to actually have concrete schedules is fading more and more. lets say you're workin hard tuesday night, you get home late. No! you've missed glee! you won't be able to watch it now. wait a second, glee is up the next day on hulu, you can watch it then! you don't even have to sit through (that many) commercials, and you get to enjoy the rest of your day, 16 year old girl/gay kid. 

 to be fairsome networks are, naturally, adapting faster than others (FX and NBC have been very quick to adapt, ABC and CBS less so). listen, with most modern tvs having internet access, be it through wi fi or ethernet or both, there really is no reason for us to have "networks" in the traditional sense. oh sure, networks will never truly die out, sports,news and things like morning talk shows and the like will ensure they survive as a basic, skeletal form. as for where things like cable and television will be soon enough? it will be some hybrid form of ondemand and iTunes. lets say you like How I met your mother and its still on in 2017. what you will do is go to your ondemand/cable subscription, pay an amount for the whole season, and while your enjoying other tv, a little alert will come in at the time and date of a new episode, letting you know it is downloaded to your cable box/DVR, and you can watch it whenever. In theory, networks will exist, for sports, local news, reruns etc, and tv will be avaliable on the similar days as it is now, but instead of having to tune in, it will simply alert you you have it and can watch it whenever you want. it will be a happier, easier more efficient way of enjoying tv, and I for one can't wait.

welcome friends

hey! welcome to hop-ons and ham water, make yourself at home, and don't touch Daddys Good whiskey. but what can you expect here?  well, we'll be doing lots of tv, some recaps, some reviews, some funny shit, all in all, its gonna be the same blog you grew to moderately like but with a laser like focus on tv. now, lets do a fast Q&A to get us started off


1. what makes you qualified to tell me what to watch? I've heard from various trustworthy sources your quite the douchebag.


well, everyones a douchebag in their own way, however, what qualifies me is I watch a fuckload of tv. some of it great, some of it good, some of it is sportscenter, and some of it is downright shitty, but I feel like this is a pointless rant.

2. what can I expect?

more of my razor sharp wit and timeless humor. also, tv stuff, lots of tv stuff. like did you know community got no emmys again? and tv wonders why I hate it sometimes....

whens your first real post up?

hopefully soon.