hey, do you like cooking shows? you do? whats your favorite? rachael ray? get poisoned, you're useless to society. paula deen? enjoy your dia-bet-us and buttah, you awful, awful person. Alton brown? now you're speaking my language. without a doubt, the best cooking show of my lifetime is probably good eats. it was bill nye meets julia child, if you like cooking, you can hardly do worse than good eats. however, right now, the best cooking show on tv is undoubtedly chopped. whats chopped?
chopped is like someone took iron chef, stuffed it full of horse steroids and then went APESHIT with it. basically, you have 4 chefs from restaurants around the country, fly them to a location i am not sure of, and then pit them against each other in MORTAL KOMBAAAAT. ok, not really, but theres 3 section, appetizer, entree and dessert. you have 20 minutes for your apptetizer, 30 for entree and dessert. HOWEVER. what makes chopped badass as hell is the mystery basket.
the mystery basket is shown at the beginning of each of the 3 rounds. inside the basket is 4 ingredients, your dish has to include all of them, no matter how little these ingredients go together. heres an example of a dessert basket: Duck Eggs, Russet potatoes, Farmers Cheese and Honey Herb Cough drops
Duck Eggs: ok, a little odd, but eggs in dessert is a necessity, the duck part is the loop thrower.
Russet potatos: silly rabbit! potatos are for dinner! but still, you can probably work something out that won't be complete shit.
Farmers Cheese: from what I understand, farmers cheese is the midwestern equivalent of tofu, its unflavored uncurdled cheese. you can almost certainly dessertify that shits bonds and make it tasty.
Honey Herb Cough Drops: THATS NOT A FOOD! nothing makes sense anymore! why would you ever cook with that? goddammit chopped!
you have to make DESSERT out of that. and it came out looking ballar as shit. Chopped takes your basic cooking show and shoots it up with enough coke to wipe out all of wall street faster than the angriest protest mob ever. its awesome, but its best to watch with friends.
why with friends? because then you can make it like sports. arguing which judges are the best (the latino fellow, the younger white dude, and the ho white lady are my 3 favorites, personally), who deserves to be eliminated, which guy you hate the most. for me, my all time douchiest chopped contestant is a guy who wore a lobster claw on a chain necklace, and styled himself a man named dr claw. I wanted him kicked down a well and the well filled with concrete and when the well flooded with with acid and lava and then nuclear waste. that guy was more doctor douchebag than dr claw. Here are a few other of my chopped highlights
someone freaking out over rattlesnake
a large black man not understand chicken in a can
a woman slipping and landing flat on her ass, burning herself
an asian man cooking to honor his father, in a shocking lack of stereotypes.
a woman who insists on deep frying everything, then drinking whiskey after she wins.
Dr Claw getting axed after the appetizer round, with a seafood basket. I was so happy I farted.
In conclusion, chopped rules and you're stupid for not liking it if you like competition on tv or cooking shows.
No comments:
Post a Comment